PLEASE tell me I'm great!

Ok...so I'll post about Fear part 2 in a little bit.. but this is really strong on my heart and what God has really been working in me HARD lately! This is a REALLY vulnerable post and some of it actually from my private journal... but I thought it would help you all:)

I'm sitting here today with A LOT on my mind.... moving to a new town and out on my own has caused me to wake up to a lot in my life that I didn't know about! It's hard discovering strong weaknesses in yourself that you wish you could just simply forget about one day and they'd be gone! They are deep rooted, ingrained issues that only God can really help you root out! The first is Validation....
I need it. I crave it. It's what I think about and what affects my mood. I never realized it until recently how strong an impact and pull it has in my life. To know that I am worth something to someone, to know I am good in the world, to know that I am making an impact.

I've starved for it lately as I haven't been receiving it as regularly as I would back at home. I would receive it from everyone I came in contact to practically. "Ohhh! You are Joe Barlow's daughter!! I heard allll about you." "Nooo way.. You are Barlowgirls cousin!! I LOVE them!! I want to be your friend." "Are you SARAH ANNE?? Like the photographer?? I LOVE your work!!"
To be recognized and acknowledged by those that I don't even know but also by those I know and love to constantly be lifting me up and encouraging me was the norm. It's what I've been built on. And yet with that I constantly NEED more. More and more. And more. It is NEVER enough. I may feel validated and wonderful one day and horrible the next. Those are surfacy words that I may always remember but never necessarily believe about myself... only that remembrance of the little high that I got when I received it.

God has been training me so much lately though in how He sees and values me and how it relates to a queen...He has me really in an Esther season right now.... in relation to a queen and validation he showed me that in being Queen.... she can not depend on others validating her. She HAS been validated. She knows her position and stands in it. If people don't agree that is their own fault.

She is the one that validates others from the firm validation she herself has received. She KNOWS who she is. It's not a daily questioning... well AM I a queen? Am I good enough? Am I smart enough or talented enough? NO! Even if she was none of these except queen.. she would STILL be queen and whatever she did would become the norm!

I desire to know that no matter how many friends I have, how popular I am, or how beautiful I am...I am STILL so solidly validated by God Himself... that even if no one ever gave me a compliment again...I would be SO sure in who He has made me to be that I wouldn't waver! I would stand up and be the "queen" He has created me to be.