Friday, December 12, 2008

I can top that!

Ahhh onto more vulnerability... I'm sure I'm not the only one who deals with this sort of least I hope not!
The next thing that has really come out in the past couple weeks through seeing this whole "need for validation" thing is trying to PROVE myself. Thinking welllll if they don't know me and WHO I am...then I'll just have to show them!

IT. IS. PRIDE. Yuck....I've discovered it so strongly in my life and who I am, trying to tell allll the amazing things I've accomplished, when someone tells a story trying to top it, telling where I live or who I'm related to. It all goes back to the need for validation and is so incredibly selfish. Sure maybe it inspires people, maybe helps them see more... but all it does for you is keeps inflating that balloon more and more...and balloons WILL pop eventually.
For me the times that I discover that I do it the most are when I don't know what else to talk about, I feel bad about myself, or I want to prove myself.

Ugh... it is so hard. But I have been learning soooo much lately about servanthood and humility... obviously God knows that I need it! Today I opened right up to Micah 6:8 - He has showed you Oh man, what is good and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, and to love kindness and mercy, and to humble yourself and walk humbly with your God.

The VERY best that we can do is to...1. SERVE....anywhere and everywhere we can, not to get glory for what we've done but to truly see a need and accomplish it. It get's us out of ourselves and our own self preservation and a heart after others. 2. Ask questions...get interested in others and BOOST them up! Stand firmly in who YOU are in Christ and then you are able to pull other people up there too!

We usually view talking about how great we are and boosting ourselves up as high and lofty but it's actually one of THE lowest down and out things you could do! Be a present to unwrap! Let people ask about you and then you can share....HUMBLY still but the more interested you are in others the more that it boosts THEM up, you up, and helps that little pride balloon start deflating more and more.
It is something you have to keep a check on daily, watch every word that comes out of your mouth, how many times are you saying "I"??? IIIIIIII say it a lot, I've discovered! Make most of your talk end with a question mark....that is when you will know that you aren't talking about yourself! Here is a video to perfectly sum this up!! I love you alll!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

PLEASE tell me I'm great! I'll post about Fear part 2 in a little bit.. but this is really strong on my heart and what God has really been working in me HARD lately! This is a REALLY vulnerable post and some of it actually from my private journal... but I thought it would help you all:)

I'm sitting here today with A LOT on my mind.... moving to a new town and out on my own has caused me to wake up to a lot in my life that I didn't know about! It's hard discovering strong weaknesses in yourself that you wish you could just simply forget about one day and they'd be gone! They are deep rooted, ingrained issues that only God can really help you root out! The first is Validation....
I need it. I crave it. It's what I think about and what affects my mood. I never realized it until recently how strong an impact and pull it has in my life. To know that I am worth something to someone, to know I am good in the world, to know that I am making an impact.

I've starved for it lately as I haven't been receiving it as regularly as I would back at home. I would receive it from everyone I came in contact to practically. "Ohhh! You are Joe Barlow's daughter!! I heard allll about you." "Nooo way.. You are Barlowgirls cousin!! I LOVE them!! I want to be your friend." "Are you SARAH ANNE?? Like the photographer?? I LOVE your work!!"
To be recognized and acknowledged by those that I don't even know but also by those I know and love to constantly be lifting me up and encouraging me was the norm. It's what I've been built on. And yet with that I constantly NEED more. More and more. And more. It is NEVER enough. I may feel validated and wonderful one day and horrible the next. Those are surfacy words that I may always remember but never necessarily believe about myself... only that remembrance of the little high that I got when I received it.

God has been training me so much lately though in how He sees and values me and how it relates to a queen...He has me really in an Esther season right now.... in relation to a queen and validation he showed me that in being Queen.... she can not depend on others validating her. She HAS been validated. She knows her position and stands in it. If people don't agree that is their own fault.

She is the one that validates others from the firm validation she herself has received. She KNOWS who she is. It's not a daily questioning... well AM I a queen? Am I good enough? Am I smart enough or talented enough? NO! Even if she was none of these except queen.. she would STILL be queen and whatever she did would become the norm!

I desire to know that no matter how many friends I have, how popular I am, or how beautiful I am...I am STILL so solidly validated by God Himself... that even if no one ever gave me a compliment again...I would be SO sure in who He has made me to be that I wouldn't waver! I would stand up and be the "queen" He has created me to be.